


Darcy Lewis is a good friend

by TheHappyEgg



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: A soulmate AU mainly abut friendship, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Avengers Family, Bisexuality, Clint Barton's Farm, Darcy is the best friend, Darcy is the fandom bicycle and I love it, Discussion of Aromantism, F/M, Families of Choice, Female Friendship, Meet-Cute, My beta is a gift, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Stark is jealous, Tony Is a Good Bro, Tony needs a goldchild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 21:19:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6675811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHappyEgg/pseuds/TheHappyEgg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With a soulmark like hers, Darcy has always known she wouldn't be lucky with her dating life. But she was OK with that. </p><p>She had great friends. Friendship was awesome. Friendship was all she needed.</p><p>A farm, assassin twins, a scientist creating sentient coffee maker and a baby mistaking her womb for a punching ball later, and Darcy couldn't be happier.</p><p>Until she met Captain America.</p><p>UPDATE : I posted  a second chapter/epilogue  named : Tony Stark is a good godfather</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darcy Lewis is a good friend

Darcy Lewis was the best friend you could ever dream of having. She was kind, caring and forgiving and she valued friendship above anything else.

When she was seven, her mother lectured her when all her brand new magical glitter pens disappeared in less than a week. Darcy told her that she knew Sarah was taking them, but her parents didn't have the money to buy her the expensive pens. Darcy had seen how the older boys bullied poor students, and if the pens could help remove the target from her friend’s back than Darcy thought it was okay to lose a few. Besides Sarah always shared her snacks with Darcy, even if she only had a very little for herself. And Sarah never mentioned Darcy’s baby fat and always defended her when other students called her fat. So if Sarah could share her favourite homemade cookies, Darcy could 'share' her pens. Mama Lewis knew when a battle had been lost and bought twice as many pens for Darcy.

At the age of thirteen, she was involved in a dirty fight in the girls’ restroom. Her best friend at that time was a young trans boy who wanted to be named Stefan. But the private Jewish school didn't accept his identity and forced him to use the women's restroom. Some girls though a boy was creeping on them and attacked him. Darcy defended her friend and Liza's nose hasn’t been the same since. Darcy and the others never wanted to explain the cause of their fight and Stefan didn’t have any more problems at school. Mama Lewis said nothing but the following year she made sure her daughter had self-defence lessons.

At eighteen, she had her heart broken for the first time. Brock, the captain of the hockey team, her boyfriend of two months, couldn't stand her relationship with Stefan. Brock issued her an ultimatum, pitting himself against her best friend. She informed him that it was an easy to choice between a heteronormative sexist asshole and her best friend.

She cried for weeks. Not for Brock, he was an asshole who had only been interested in her because of her very well endowed breasts. No, she cried because people thought that romantic love was somehow better than all other forms of love, and she was so angry at them. She wanted to believe in friendship. But she was essentially afraid for herself, what if she wasn't better than all of them?

To understand Darcy's distress, you should know her soulmark story.

The first words your soulmate would say to you would appear on your skin like a tattoo. Most soulmarks were banal greetings such as; could you pass me the salt please; is this the line for the bus to Times Square?

Answering soulmates could choose their responses to their other half. At least, that was the theory. A lot of people had soulmark answers ready at all times to make their soulmate feel loved. But in everyday life, people were often too surprised go with their prepared answers and often said the most random things.

Darcy knew from start she would initiate the conversation. And her fated one would reply with… an unconditional declaration of friendship.

In a world where soulmates were seen as romantic, it was an extraordinarily uncommon answer. As a child, Darcy wasn’t bothered by not having a romantic soulmate. Boys were gross whereas friendship was AWESOME. But, with the insane cocktail of hormones that come with teenage years, she started to wonder why someone would say that to her.

Maybe she met them when she was an old woman and this was her soulmate's benediction to have her live her own live without looking for them. To make sure she didn’t spoil her life waiting for someone who wouldn't come before her hair was grey.

Or maybe she would meet her soulmate and they were already married to someone else.

Or maybe they were aromantic.

Honestly, Darcy was okay with any and all of these scenarios. She HAD a special someone waiting for her and they would promise her unconditional platonic love. How could she dream of anything else? It was wonderful. It was enough. She needed it to be enough. She hoped she would never become an asshole ranting about the friendzone. She couldn't stand the idea of losing her soulmate because of unwanted romantic feelings.

She also feared that others wouldn’t understand her decision to keep things platonic with her soulmate (she was sooo not a rapist, no means no). She worried about the impact it would have on her romantic life. Her ex-boyfriends had all been insecure, and resented her dedication to her friends. Some claimed she was in love with one (or more) of her friends. It wasn’t that Darcy wasn’t an attentive lover, she simply refused to set everything aside for her boyfriend(s). And they couldn’t imagine what life would be like with a soulmate friend. 

Darcy was determined to become the best of best friends ever for her awesome soulmate.

She eventually got over every breakup, thanks to her friends. Obviously.

She went off to university and things got better. Primarily because adults don't actually expect their lovers to be attached at the hip. Thank Thor. She also discovered the delights of bisexuality. Women more readily understood the importance of friendship.

She continued her wonderful journey at Culver. One of her friends in science class met their soulmate. The soulmate just happened to be their professor. Their old, dirty, perverted and sexist teacher. But this State's laws concerning sexual harassment were very complicated when soulmates were concerned. Long story short, Darcy had to tase him in the balls. And poof! Her science credits were gone.

She could never bring herself to regret it. Initially because in her saddest moments she could always be cheered up by remembering the asshole's face as he laid prostrate at her feet convulsing. And then there was Jane, her second reason for the lack of regret.

Brilliant, stubborn, creative Janey. Who could forget to feed herself but who would absorb an infinity gem without batting an eye. Janey who lived for the stars (and thanks to a mild coffee addiction). Janey who was a Blank but never let it dictate her life. Brave, loyal and fierce Jane. When Darcy used to dream of an older sister, she dreamed of Jane.

When Darcy met Jane, she told herself she would never leave the diminutive scientist’s side. For though she was small, she was mighty.

Darcy’s dedication to Jane also went a long way to proving that Darcy had a total lack of self-preservation instincts. 

A shadowy spy agency, killer robots, a god with massive daddy issues, and some crazy otherworldly dark elves later, and she was still by Jane's side. And as Darcy was an eternal optimist, she only saw that she had gained one of the most badass pair of friends ever, after Janey. Darcy adopted the spy twins; Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton.

Natasha and Clint had a very complicated story. They were soulmates but Clint was already married and a father when he met Nat. They had a very hard time making things work between them. They tried polyamory, but it didn't work for any of them. At all. They settled for friendship but people who knew their story were just so... judgemental. Although, no one dared to openly pity the Black Widow, which was a good thing for SHIELD friendly fire stats.

The women shared their experiences and bonded over burritos and tequila (Natasha was a Russian woman who despised vodka). Their shared love for pranks and condemnation of the idea that love should be romantic, or of the ignorant people who believed that romantic love was better.

Natasha and Darcy hooked up. It was great, but it didn't work out and they decided they were better off as just friends. Darcy was invited to the Barton farm. Darcy and Laura got along like house on fire. She was also a great babysitter when the Barton couple needed some alone time. After all, Darcy's job was basically babysitting scientist. Actual children were easier to deal with because they didn't accidentally create sentient coffee makers.

Later, Natasha invited her boyfriend to the farm. It was the first time that she introduced someone to the family. This Falcon guy had to be someone special. 

Darcy approved of the guy and so did Laura. He seemed pretty gone with the Barton children too. Which meant he couldn’t be anything but a good man. He also let them know that he was good friends with Captain America, so he couldn't be that bad.

That's why Darcy didn't understand when she found Natasha crying on the porch that night.

"Hey, Tasha. What is happening, sweetheart?" asked Darcy, slowly approaching the spy. Natasha was probably well aware of her presence and she knew how privileged she was to see her like that.

"It's Sam." Murmured softly Natasha.

"Do you want me to cut his balls off for you?" Darcy said half-jokingly. Natasha was very capable of doing that by herself but if she needed a hand Darcy would have no second thoughts.

"He loves the farm, and he wants children." Natasha responded in a watery voice. 

"And you don't?" Darcy hadn't the first idea of Natasha's opinion on having children. She was a proud godmother but, motherhood was something completely different.

"It is not that I don't want, it's that I can't. But I’m too selfish to give him up. I would be taking one of his dreams away from him.”

"You can't have children that are biologically yours. So what? You know that family is the one you choose. Why couldn't you adopt?" Darcy responded.

"Because a Russian spy with no administrative existence would never be able to adopt in America? Do you honestly think that the government wouldn’t try to take my child away at the first inkling of something going wrong? I don't want  my child to have to hide throughout their whole life and avoid all government institutions." Natasha patiently explained, she had thought this through several times.

"What about me?" Darcy asked.

"What about you?" Replied Natasha, looking confused.

"We’re friends, aren't we? I also happen to have a very functional uterus. If you and Sam don't see any problem with it, I could carry all of your superhero babies. The kid would genetically be mine and Sam's so no one would have the legal right to take them from you. And I could be their fairy godmother. I’ve never been anyone's godmother!"

"Darcy, are you serious?" Natasha was incredulous.

"No Harry, I am not Sirius, I am Darcy" she deadpanned.

"Did you actually just make a Harry Potter joke after you offering me the use of your body to carry my superhero children?"

"I did, the emotional tension was killing me."

"You are crazy!" smiled Natasha.

"Is that a yes?" asked Darcy smiling brighter.

"No. It’s an I love you. Let’s talk to Sam about it tomorrow." Natasha hugged Darcy tightly and returned to her room.

On the first floor, at the window, Clint gave ten dollars to his wonderful wife.

"I told you so, darling." Laura mildly crowed.

Everything went smoothly. Darcy continued to work for Jane and followed her all over the world. She told everyone that her pregnancy was the unplanned result of a drunken hook up in Budapest. It was hilarious because she could tell civilians and no one knew what had happened in Budapest. However Darcy had seen the pictures. Nat was had showed them to her, and seeing Clint covered in all that glitter paint was one of the greatest joys of Darcy’s life.

The best part of pregnancy was being able to throw up on sexist scientists who couldn't fathom that a woman had revolutionized their field. Darcy could just say that it was morning sickness and no one would judge her. It was perfect.

It was decided that excepting Jane, Laura and Clint, no one would know the true parentage until the baby was born. Darcy was often invited to Barton's farm to rest between international conferences. She was so thankful for Laura, the only one of her friends who had already been pregnant that could reassure her about all the insane things that happen to your body when you get knocked up (what the heck was happening to her boobs? Seriously.)

When Darcy was seven months along, Natasha decided to make an honest man out of Sam. The obvious maid of honour was Darcy. To no one’s surprise Sam chose Steve Rogers to be his best man. Darcy was less than enthused about that.

Darcy had always had a weird crush on Captain America, but now with the pregnancy hormones Darcy’s libido was out of control. And since no one looked twice at a pregnant woman, Darcy was lonely. She had renamed her dildo Cap, which was a fact that Natasha was well aware of. And now, Darcy was going to meet him, he was going to stop being an abstract and become human. Probably even a friend. And she wouldn’t be able to fantasize about him anymore.

Totally unfair.

He was supposed to help organize the wedding, he wasn’t great with flower arrangements (surprisingly, Clint was), but he had taken the security of the event as his domain. Darcy supposed that she should tell him about the baby, but she had to look after the seating plan, wedding colours and secure a beautiful venue first. 

Steve had actually been out to the Barton farm a few times since the Ultron debacle. But never at the same time as Darcy “my womb is a national secret” Lewis. 

Sam was supposed to bring his best man by the farm today for a first meeting to discuss what the soon to be married couple wanted and needed. Darcy figured that if she could organise Jane's stuff, she could organise her friend’s wedding without letting her libido get the better of her

The Falcon and his patriotic sidekick entered in the living room. Steve had a bouquet of flowers presumably for the happy bride. Unfortunately they were lilies, and since an alien had claimed Darcy’s womb she was highly sensitive to their perfume. She quickly ran out of the room and summarily threw up, emptying her stomach completely. Yup, it was a fact, Captain America had a devastating effect on her body.

She came back into the room with and apologetic smile announcing to earth mightiest heroes "Sorry guys, morning sickness. I swear, this baby already has all of his father's charm and his mother’s ability to throw a punch.

Sam who usually laughed at her baby jokes said nothing and just looked at Rogers. Steve was looking at her like she was carrying the baby Jesus Himself. Was Captain America catholic? She had read something about it, somewhere. It would be a problem if she wanted to invite him to Mama Lewis' Hanukah. Not that she had a fantasy featuring a patriotic Boy Scout boyfriend. Why did Rogers looked mesmerised. Was there something on her face? It was starting to be really awkward.

Captain America fell to his knees before her, she had had dreams that started like this.

"It's you, the one I have been waiting for all my life. You are more than I could have dreamed of, and if you accept me in your life, I swear to I will be the best friend you could hope for and always be at your side."

"By Odin's holy genitals! Was this Nat's plan all along?" Darcy asked Sam.

"Well, she only figured it out recently, and we thought it would be a good early present for your baby shower."

"Only you guys would offer me a super soldier for your baby's shower."

"Is it a thank you?" Asked Nat, who had managed to enter the room unnoticed.

"No, but it is an I love you." Darcy answered with a kiss on her head.

Darcy took Steve's hand and helped him up from the floor, where he had been looking at them all like a lost puppy.

"Come on, soldier. Let's talk in the garden. There are way too many spies in this house for my liking. I’ll explain everything I promise. We’ll start with how this century accepts pregnant single ladies and how these single pregnant ladies might want other things from their newfound soulmates. Things like orgasms. But, let me start at the beginning"

"Yes, ma'am" said Steve with a mischievous smile.

"Sweetheart, outside of the bedroom you can call me Darcy.”

"Yes, ma'am" Steve answered again.

And Darcy's laugh resonated throughout the Barton farm.


	2. Tony Stark is a good godfather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thrilled by your amazing feedback for this story so I decided to write more about it.  
> Joey99 asked for a sequel with godchildren

With the years, the Barton's farm became the summer holiday residence for the Avengers. With their offspring and the security of having the young Avengers to superhero fight for them, the first Avenger team retired to civilian life (except for that time with the killer robots at central park but it was an exception, I swear, Phil). The people, who once couldn't stand each other's presence in a Quinjet to the point to killing each other, were now the closest of friends. Fury wasn't sure which situation despaired him the most.

Them becoming a family didn't mean they didn't fight at every occasion though. Today it was Stark who was throwing a tantrum. In fact, he was responsible of the majority of them. And also for the sentient tractor in the garage. But the children loved it and Clint treated it like a dog and named it Lucky. But that is another story.

"I am not anyone's godfather. Why am I not anyone's godfather? Lewis, make me the godfather of your current womb parasite." Declared Stark suddenly.

"First you are calling my future child a parasite. Second you still didn't acknowledge my married name even though Steve has been a honest man for years," answered Darcy without twitching an eyebrow at Tony's new obsession.

"Tin-man is bored, wait for me, I am coming back with popcorn!" Barton said bouncing out of his rocking chair to look for snacks. "Tasha, count the points in my absence."

"Sure but don't salt them, It's bad for..." started the redheaded spy. "Darce's pregnancy regime. I remember, Tash. I was there the previous four times," continued the archer from the kitchen.

"Can we come back to me?" pleaded Stark like a kicked puppy.

"It always has to be about you," said Laura, she was used to Stark's antics.

"Star child, remember? And I can't help it if I am the most interesting person in this room. Which is why it’s totally illogical that I am no one's godfather. As a narcissist scientist, it's bothering me," said Stark in a blink. Even with the years, Darcy was still impressed by the man's skill at throwing up words. And you couldn't say Darcy Rogers wasn't used to verbal diarrheas.

"As long as you call me by my maiden name, I refuse to even consider the question," stated Darcy.

"Come on, Lewis. I nickname everyone. I don't do first names,” said Tony.

"It's not a nickname, it's my maiden name." Frowned Darcy.

"It is a totally legit nickname. A nickname that happens to be your previous last name. I always called you Double D before your wedding. Which is proof that I acknowledge your wedding. I was there, remember."

"You set the barn on fire with your fireworks, we all remember," Laura interjected.

"It was an accident and I paid for the repairs. Or I’m pretty sure Pep did. Pepper is awesome."

"So you just call me Lewis to piss me off," said Lewis.

"Good hypothesis, wrong conclusion. It is mainly to piss Cap off."

"Are you aware this one will actually be Steve's child?" asked Darcy.

"Just my luck! For once you are not carrying someone else's offspring." Snapped Tony. But he was shut up by a Widow's knife that just brushed against his jugular before ending up in the wall behind him.

"Sorry for the wall, Lau'," Natasha said simply.

"Don't worry; I like it better that way. It gives the house more character," chatter the women happily, like one of them hadn't just threaten to kill another one of their friends.

"Do you have something to say about the way I choose to use my body?" Asked Darcy, who managed to somehow look more threatening than the Black Widow's knives. Natasha was beaming like the proud mama bear she was.

"No. Not at all. Your body your rules. I know the deal." Tony was holding his hands up and trying to look as repent as possible to avoid being eviscerated by one of these women. Or worse, by Pepper if she ever heard about it.

Clint arrived bouncing around with two bowls. He immediately gave one to Darcy who deposited it in between her boobs and balanced on the growing baby bump. He left the other one on the dinner table.

"What did I miss?" Asked Clint as he gave a handful of popcorn to Laura.

"Not that much. Tony made an ass of himself, Nat menaced killing him, and Darcy used the disappointed tone that Cap taught her as a wedding gift. Score is two to zero for Darcy." Answered Laura, kissing her man for the snacks.

"Why do you want to be a godfather anyway? I thought Pepper and you didn't want children," said Clint curious.

"And it is still true. I would be a horrible father and Pepper is already too busy being a business queen to deal with diapers. But just because I don't want children for myself doesn’t mean that I don't like them," explained Stark.

"Pardon us for being dicks on that one Tony. We just assumed things. We shouldn't have. Besides you are great with children," said Laura.

"Excuse accepted," said Stark like it was nothing. But you could see by the redness of his checks that he was still amazed to have friends that accepted him for who he was.

"No one gets along so well with children than another child!" said Laura to dissipate Tony's awkwardness in the face of naked compliments.

"Ok, I changed my mind, I refuse your excuses." Tony said quickly, but he was smiled gratefully at Laura. Laura kissed his check and whispered, "you are welcome."

"Hey, you! Stop trying to seduce my wife! I am gonna tell Pepper!" Exclaimed Clint.

"We are married and will love each other for the rest of our lives but Pepper and I are in an open relationship. Pep is very aware of how awesome I find your wife. I might say she is even more gone on her than I am," declared Stark like it was nothing.

The Bartons were both fully blushing but each for a different reason.

"While I am very flattered by your attentions, I am very satisfied with my monogamous lifestyle with my husband. Though had I met Clint later I would have happily accepted Pepper's offer," declared Laura.

Both men went white as they registered her words while Natasha and Darcy laughed so hard they started crying.

Laura was quite satisfied with the effect. Tony and Clint had always been unable to tell when she was lying and they were very aware of it. She was happy to play with them for once. Not that her sex life was boring, the flexible ex carnie fulfilled all her dreams in that area, but Jealous Clint had a special dedication to please her that she sometimes enjoyed.

"Don't worry, birdbrain, she’s joking," revealed Darcy who couldn't stand to see her friend with a defeated face. Except for Stark. But Tony's friendship was 72% sass.

"Who knows, birdie? Maybe your next child will be named Virginia and I will be the godfather," added Tony.

"Thanks but no thanks. We are really happy with our three current little monsters," said Laura.

"Maybe if we met earlier your offspring would be named Virgil instead of Nathanael," said Stark.

"Not over my dead body, Stark. Nathaniel is mine," said Natasha in full Black Widow mode.

"Ok maybe not him, but maybe the older ones?" Tony said diplomatically.

"In your dreams, Tin-man. I raised my children better than being team Ironman. You are just jealous because you are the only Avenger without a godchild." Said Clint. 

"Since when is Thor a godfather?" Asked Natasha surprised. And it said much about their friendship that Natasha was revealing her ignorance without a filter.

"Technically, him being a thunder God and being a father, he is the God-father of the quadruplets," Darcy said, giving a high five to Clint for using their favourite god pun.

Yes, Janey and Thor had had quadruplets. Something Janey didn't anticipate when she decided to have the child of the Norse Fertility God. Betty and Bruce had been overjoyed to use Jane's pregnancy to Science! together against infertility problems.

"Four Children and he still didn't think of his brother in arms. Who doesn't name his brother the godson of his child?" asked Tony pouting like a baby.

"Someone whose brother tried to invade a realm?" Natasha sing-songed.

"The Warrior Three were his brothers in arms before humanity invented fire. You don't exactly have priority," added Clint casually.

"And who else but Heindmall would be the most perfect eternal baby-sitter ever?" Said Darcy with unfeigned enthusiasm.

"Well, actually Friday could..." started Tony.

"Please, stop there, no one wants another omniscient AI killer robot for babysitter." interrupted Laura.

"Rude. It only happened once," said Stark.

"And that one time Europe lost a country." Commented Darcy.

"I just made Europe’s fucked up geography easier." Deadpanned Tony.

"I am sure Wanda would love your version of the story. Maybe I should call her. You should ask her to make you the godfather of her first born instead of Steve. I can see her, the twins are just outside playing hide and seek, magical version, with the kids." Darcy tried to stand up, out of her comfy armchair.

She hadn't even put down her, now empty, bowl of unsalted popcorn before Tony interrupted her. "Nah. I was joking. Besides your husband has an eighty-year friendship with the father. And you even carried Barnes' child. I may be amazing but I can't fight that," recognized Tony, not sure of which Barnes he feared the most (brainwashed winter Soldier or not, it was probably still Wanda).

"Yup, that's me. Ex-brainwashed-assassin's baby maker," Darcy said proudly.

"So it doesn't bother you that Bucky named Steve the godfather of his son but Steve can't name Bucky the godfather of his?" Asked Natasha mischievously.

"Barnes is already the godfather of his first. He can't godfather twice for the same couple, it is against the tacit law of godparents' naming!" Whined Tony. And as no one blinked, he continued, "Besides, he totally cheated for Josef."

"How could you cheat to become someone's godparent?" Asked Laura.

"Because your fucking Bucky was still brainwashed at this time. And Cap and the birdie that can actually fly were still chasing him through Europe," complained Tony.

"Most of my friends are assassins and more than half of them have been brainwashed at some point. Your argument is invalid. And Winter Soldier or not he actually came for Josef's birth and gave him his first Bucky bear. Whereas you only came three days after," Darcy said firmly.

"I was trying to save your best friend's ass, which had been eaten by a wormhole. Why am I held responsible while Foster, the actual godmother, came five days late?" Tony was now outraged.

"Because I bet with Steve on Jane's presence. He bet she would be there before the end of the fourth day. I won the best foot rub of my life," explained Darcy.

"You forgave her for a fucking foot rub?! Make me the godfather of your child, and I will pay a personal masseur for you for the rest of your life." tried Tony.

"Not any massage! A Captain America foot rub," corrected Darcy.

"You are crazy." Declared Tony.

"Who in this room would kill for Steve foot rub? Put your hand up," ordered Darcy. All the people in the room raised their hands.

Natasha declared, "I already did, I will probably do it again."

"Point to Darcy," Laura commented flatly.

"Even if the foot rub argument wasn't here, you aren't Jewish. My son's Sandek will be from the Jewish community. Our godparents concept is very different from your catholic folk’s." Informed Darcy.

"You met two Gods and you are still Jewish?" asked Stark in disbelief.

"Jane married one without rejecting her Jewish beliefs either. Just like you can be Pepper Awesome Potts' Soulmate and still be an ass. Life is full of contradictions," said Lewis.

"Ok. It's easy then. If I can build an Ironman suit in a cave or learn quantum mechanics in a night, I easily can become Jewish," stated Stark.

"Are you serious?" asked Laura in awe.

"By Thor's magical Hammer, he is serious," face palmed Darcy.

"Why are you laughing, it can't be that difficult. If an atheist like me can swear on the Bible for America, I can learn Hebrew for captain America's offspring," said Stark.

"Please make him stop," pleaded Darcy.

Natasha stood up and walked to him. She whispered into his ear.

"They want to do WHAT to my dick?" Screamed Stark, suddenly very green.

"And this is why you can't be godfather of a child of mine. Or of Wanda’s or Jane’s for that matter..."

"Oh shit. You are crazy. Not that I am judging Judaism or anything but you are fucking crazy if you think I will sacrifice a part of the only Stark Junior to become one of your babies’ godfather," stated Tony.

"There you go. But for your information, that was anti-Semitic," smiled Darcy.

"Sorry, I am not supposed to argue with someone when outside of Pepper's reach. I will probably give one million to some anti fascist association or something." Said Tony.

"Just replace Jane's coffee machine in her lab and I will call it even." suggested Darcy.

"You have a deal, Lewis"

"Rogers!" shouted Darcy.

"Too late, you pardoned me." smiled Tony.

"Dick," replied Darcy.

"Who else can I bribe to have a godson?" wondered Tony.

"Colonel Rhodes?" Suggested Laura.

"Asexual, aromantic, child free," answered Natasha.

"Pietro?" tried Clint.

"Nathaniel will have grey hair before that kid settles down. Did you also miss the part where my inventions killed his family and kinda destroyed his country?" Snapped Stark.

"Fury?" said Natasha.

"Hahaha. I am laughing my ass off. Good one Widow. Next!"

"Phil?" suggested Clint.

"Actually, Pepper is the godmother of his oldest." commented Tony.

"What the fuck, Coulson is seeing someone?" shouted Clint.

"And you are known for your eyesight. Depressing," said Darcy.

"If someone asks if I worked with you, I will deny it and say it was Kate all along," added Natasha.

"You must be kidding me. Phil I-am-born-suited-up Coulson has a kid? Why am I always the last to know?"

"Who exactly do you think Clara's father was?" Asked Natasha.

"Maria and Melinda's daughter? They’re lesbians, it's not a thing you are supposed to ask."

"Maria is but Melinda is a bisexual woman in a polyamori relationship with both of them. At first Phil was just supposed to help his friends but feelings happened." Laura explained slowly to her husband.

"No one can be as generous with their seeds as our national Darcy ‘my womb is your womb’ Lewis is," commented Tony.

"Fuck you Stark, it is still Rogers," retorted Darcy.

"Because triads are considered bad when outside of soul formed ones, they preferred to keep it quiet at SHIELD. Besides, at that time, Maria wasn't that high up in SHIELD's levels. Melinda and Phil tried to protect her from rumors. To let her have her work be recognized all on its own. Phil lost his soulmate a long time ago, every one thought he was still mourning." Commented Natasha.

"We thought you knew," tried Darcy "Clara is pretty vocal about her father here at the farm."

"When I’m home, I usually don't bother with my aids. I just thought it was her favourite uncle Phil or something."

"I should have known. Sorry for not telling you," said Laura, looking guilty. Clint answered by a monosyllabic sound looking like "Oaaarf" which means in Clint's language "I don't care, I just want coffee and a bed".

"How can you look so cute after so many years together? It's beyond my comprehension. Your sickening sweetness aside, I still don't have a godchild. Who will be my Ironman's Robin?"

"Didn't you just say there was too many birds among your friends already?" asked Hawkeye.

"I can make an exception for my godchild."

"Are we just supposed to throw babies at you when you say you want to make an Ironbaby suit?" questioned Darcy.

"It will be a child proof suit. Nothing faster than 500 miles an hour before he is fifteen years old. I am not as irresponsible as you think I am," answered Tony.

"Seems legit," judged Clint.

"What would you offer to your hypothetical godchild for his tenth birthday?" asked Widow who hadn't had this much fun since the killer robot in Central Park.

"Are we talking about a hypothetical godson or a hypothetical goddaughter?" asked Tony to gain time.

"Do you always impose stereotypical gender roles onto your hypothetical godchildren?" replied Laura with that beautiful wit of hers that made Clint all warm inside.

"Disney world! All children love Disney, boys, girls and everyone between. Besides it's a pedagogical gift as they can learn to be the proprietary of a successful industry while having fun. It's a win-win." Answered Stark, proud of his well thought idea.

"Your godchild is crying because he fell and scratched his knees. What do you do?" Asked Laura.

"Can I use my Pepper card?" Tony asked tentatively.

"It depends, do you want Pepper to have another godchild or do you want to become a godfather yourself?" said Darcy.

"Ok, I call Dr. Cho to repair his scratched skin. I use Ironman to distract the kid, doing loops in the sky together. Then I construct a giant secured hamster ball to prevent it from ever happening again." It was a good answer Tony thought. Taking care of the bug, create a patch to correct the bug for the future.

"Your eleven-year-old godchild has homework on pharaohs and asks for your help; you are not allowed to pay for a ticket to Egypt." Suggested Natasha.

"How did you know that’s what I was thinking?" said Stark outraged to be spotted out so easily, "I asked Friday to hack all of their teacher's subjects plans for the year. So I already have the Louvre's Egyptian collection in Stark Tower for a temporary exhibition. Next!"

"Your teenage godchild is asking for dating advice," started Clint.

"Are we talking about pick-up techniques or feelings stuff?" Interrupted Tony.

"Feelings!" answered the group in sadistic synchronization.

"Ugh. I stay in fetal position crying until the problem disappear by itself," at Darcy's unimpressed face, he corrected. "I tell them to stay themselves and never twist their values for someone else and that if someone as fucked up as their godfather managed to make the most amazing woman on Earth fall for him, then Fate know his work. And that there is someone at least 72% as awesome as Aunt Pepper waiting for them somewhere. Maybe not their soulmate, maybe not a romantic partner, but someone who will love them like my godchild deserves to be."

A long silence followed his declaration. Tony was uneasy and after a too long time snapped.

"What did you expect? I don't do feelings. I don't know how to talk about this stuff but you made me. Stop starting at me." It was so rare to see Tony Stark, genius, philanthropist, and millionaire ex playboy so body conscious. "OK. OK. Let me try again. I promise them that if someone breaks their heart, I will work with Aunt Jane to send this person in a realm where dark elves would be considered fluffy puppies compared to this realm's inhabitants."

Darcy was the first to come back to her senses. "It was actually very considerate of you."

Tony looked as surprised as her. "Wow. Really? Wait! Which one? The dark elves one?" he guessed.

"No, jackass, the one with your declaration of love for Pepper." replied Darcy, relieved to be able to sass him again.

"Oh? Good. I should probably make a note of that one, if one of your monsters is crazy enough to ask for my opinion on the question. Friday?"

"Already done, boss. Should I save your previous answers too?" Asked the disassembled voice from the Stark Pad on the table.

"Hummm. Probably?" Asked Stark, more to his friends than to his AI.

"No way. All your answers were disproportionate. So wrong and so full of unfiltered need to be good and accepted, it was actually sweet. But if you ever do half of that to my babies I will cut you in pieces. If in doubt, always ask for Pepper or their parents." Said Natasha half fond half judgmental, which was an expression only she could pull off.

"Ok, standard procedure alpha applied to godchild's care: Ask Pepper. Everything is good, boss." Replied the AI diligently.

The door of the farm opened and a disheveled Steve, Sam, Bucky, Wanda, and Pietro entered. A group of hyperactive children rushed to the upper floors in a deafening roar, leaving behind the exhausted super humans.

"Who won?" Laura enquired.

"Just like every time Wanda plays, she defeated other teams but she let Bucky's team loose last because she has a thing for grumpy Romani Soldier," Pietro answered. He was the worst loser ever. Never let Pietro and Tony play against each other, it could start Ragnarock.

"It's pronounced 'Soulmate' not 'grumpy Romani Soldier’,” corrected Sam playfully.

Bucky kissed his soulmate on her check before going to the fridge looking for lemonade for everyone. Steve immediately went to his pregnant soulmate. He kissed her on her lips then caressed her belly. Darcy thought that all the stars in his eyes when he looked at her would disappear after the initial shock of their first meeting. She was wrong. Somehow the sparkle in his eyes increased. Not that she complained because it was a fucking ego boost when a national hero looked at you like you were Lady Pepper Potts herself.

"How are my two best gals?" asked Steve.

"I could use a foot rub. Baby girl is sleeping. We were interrogating Stark on his capacity to be a good godparent," said Mrs. Rogers.

"No surprise, I master all of their questions like I master every subject I try to understand," declared Tony. Clint used the last of the popcorn and threw it at Stark's face. Laura pointed to Hawkeye in the universal sign of "you will clean the living room or you can sleep with Lucky the tractor tonight." OK, maybe this sign was not universal, just limited to the Barton's farm's occupants but Clint understood the message all the same.

"I thought you wanted to wait a bit more before revealing that we want Tony to be the godfather of our princess," said Steve, unsure to what was happening.

Stark gapped like a goldfish, Natasha and Sam laughed. And how the fuck did she already tell him what was happening? Terrifying couples. 

"OK, kids we have a problem. I am getting old and now have auditory problems because there is no way on Earth I heard what you just said correctly," Tony was a bit freaked out by the prospect of aging.

"Actually I did want to wait, we were talking about his capacity to be a godfather in general terms. Not specifically of our baby's girl future godfather. I even used my best argument to make sure he wouldn't guess what was gonna happened to him," explained Darcy.

"You are the Devil, Lewis," said Tony a bit breathless.

"It’s Rogers," Darcy, Steve, Wanda and Bucky snapped.

"Sorry if I spoiled your fun, doll," said Steve.

"I don't care. Tony's face was gold. I couldn't dream of better opportunity. You didn't spoil anything, fella," answered Darcy.

"I got him on snapchat," declared Wanda don't-fuck-with-me-I-can-read-your-mind Barnes.

"Have I already told you that I love you, girl?" asked Darcy.

"Two hours ago, but I could use a recap," smiled Wanda

"Cap, aren't you afraid that this red witch will steal your girl's heart?" asked Stark.

"Well, answered Steve, I think Darcy can love Wanda with all her heart, and all of Slovakia's inhabitants, and still have room for me because her heart is awesome like that. Love only improves her loving's skills."

"Is it also true for her parasite? The more, the merrier? Because in this case, I will wait so I can be the godfather of the best of your super babies."

"Oh, just shut the fuck up, Tony," Darcy whispered as she kissed her husband for his beautiful words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give me your feedback on this one too :)  
> One second to make me smile


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